The White Smoke Means They Picked a New President

Greetings, friends,
I'm celebrating George W. Bush's second inauguration the best anti-Christian way I know how, withdrawing into a comfy David Lynch bubble, creeping out enough to tell you and yers about it. Anyway, some will remember the long, hot summer of 1990, when every weekend at whatever party (and we were going to parties every weekend, tsk tsk), one corner of the room found the TV and a bunch of us obsessing over "Twin Peaks". I was geek enough to tape the entire series (at the apartment of Miss Amy and Sinisa Spajic, boo hoo) and then cut out all the commercials, fitting the entire 29 episodes onto seven videos, which I haven't looked at since.

Suddenly drowned in the rich melodrama that I've learned to love from Douglas Sirk and Rainer Fassbinder (and now mebbe Joel's getting pretentious, eh?), I was drawn to the tapes this weekend and am now fighting my through the whole bloody mess for the first time in 14 years. It's so exciting I've already made it to the 12th episode. PS This series still ain't on DVD, so I'm it. Among some of the forgotten moments I'd like to share with you:

Bobby Briggs and his pal Mike Nelson staring down kindly biker James Hurley in the Twin Peaks jail, then barking like dogs.
The Log Lady serving tea and cookies to the police. "My log has something to tell you."
Jerry Horne bringing his brother Ben baguettes with Brie and butter from Paris.
The town doctor's nice daughter, Donna Hayward, suddenly affecting a racy demeanor, wearing dark sunglasses and smoking.
Leo Johnson ordering his waitress old lady, Shelly to do the laundry. "NOW, Shelly." Then she finds the bloody shirt.
Audrey Horne's little peephole into her father's office.
Dale Cooper's many visions, including the backwards-talking dwarf, the dotty old waiter at the Great Northern and the giant.
One-eyed Nadine Hurley's silent drapes, made with grease and cotton balls.
James, Donna and Laura Palmer's identical cousin Mattie Ferguson tricking Dr. Jacoby and finding a tape of Laura (and James' half of their broken heart necklace) hidden in "his coconut". "James is sweet, but he's soooo dumb."
Dale Cooper picking suspects with the Tibetan method, by throwing rocks at a bottle.
Leland Palmer's hair turning white, and then his numerous musical flip-outs, especially "Mairzy Doats".
Leo Johnson assassinating Waldo, the talking mynah bird. "Laura! Laura!"
and of course...
Audrey Horne getting a job at her father's whorehouse, One Eyed Jacks, by tying a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue.

The best thing you can do today, 20 January, is take some money you might have spent on taxes to the G and give it to a good cause. If you haven't already given a little to help our friends in Asia, you can do it here...and according to the advocate, Mr. Tripp, these guys are anti-war Quakers, so you're not buying anybody a new helicopter instead:
http://www.afsc.org/

Think about that when the $40 million inaugural takes place. And here's some more reasons, as they say, to keep your hatred sharp (thanks, Mike):
http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2005/01/18/scandal/print.html
The scandal sheet
Print it out, send it to Harry Reid, or just read it and weep. Here are 34 scandals from the first four years of George W. Bush's presidency -- every one of them worse than Whitewater.
The Scandal Sheet
By Peter Dizikes
Salon.com
http://www.truthout.org/docs_05/011905D.shtml

Okay, before we go full on screed, I want to correct a lapse from last year; I forgot to mention (among all the other uppers) that reporter Gary Webb had committed suicide early in December. In 1996 Webb blew the cover off the CIA's covert 1980s operation to support the Contras in Nicaragua by allowing them to sell cocaine in Los Angeles, most notably to "Freeway" Ricky Ross, who turned around and turned it into crack for the Bloods and the Crips. Remember the 1980s in Los Angeles? If you do, you should remember Freeway Ricky and the CIA, who did us an incaluable injury. And Webb didn't work for the LA Times, but the San Jose Mercury News, which ended up firing him after the Times, to their disgrace, attacked his reporting and not the CIA's cowardice. Others had reported the story earlier and received the same treatment; and Senator John Kerry (remember him?) connected the Contras to drug smugglers in 1989.
http://www.commondreams.org/views04/1213-31.htm

Some even say Webb was murdered, which would not surprise me greatly:
http://www.prisonplanet.com/articles/december2004/
141204webbmurdered.htm

Speaking of conspiracies, you'll like this fake "Schoolhouse Rock" video about who REALLY controls the media in the United States; WARNING, you need a broadband connection to view this cartoon (thanks, Mark):
http://www.moveleft.com/moveleft/video/snl_tv_funhouse_
conspiracy_theory_rock 1998_03_14.mpg

Remember, sometimes up is down and left is right, eh?
Anti-seatbelt Advocate Killed in Auto Accident
http://www.snopes.com/autos/accident/seatbelt.asp

I mean, what better evidence as to how fucked up this country is, than the People's Choice Awards; one for Michael Moore and one for Jesus Christ:
CNN.com - Box office surprises win People's Choice awards - Jan 10, 2005*

It makes you proud to be an American:
The Salvador Option
By Michael Hirsh and John Barry
Newsweek
The Pentagon may put Special-Forces-led assassination or kidnapping teams in Iraq.
http://www.truthout.org/docs_05/010905V.shtml

I mean, murder is okay for the towelheads, right-o? Just not for Christian Americans:
Two Opponents of Abortion Are Tapped for Senate Judiciary Panel
By Charles Babington
The Washington Post
Democrats question effect on Supreme Court nominations.
http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/122204U.shtml

Who cares about their rights? Lock 'em up and throw away the key:
Long-Term Plan Sought for Terror Suspects
By Dana Priest
The Washington Post
Administration officials are preparing long-range plans for indefinitely imprisoning suspected terrorists whom they do not want to set free or turn over to courts in the United States or other countries, according to intelligence, defense and diplomatic officials.
http://www.truthout.org/docs_05/010305Y.shtml

Meanwhile, our recently liberated friends in the Middle East are making the most of their freedom:
Iraq's Kurds Enjoy Self-Rule and Are Trying to Keep It
By Richard A. Oppel Jr.
The New York Times
http://www.truthout.org/docs_05/010105I.shtml

As for our recently liberated enemies, destroy their cities and kill their children:
Fallujah, City of Ghosts
By Ali Fadhil
The Guardian U.K.
http://www.truthout.org/docs_05/011205A.shtml
Fallujah, City without a Future?
By Michael Schwartz
TomDispatch.com
http://www.truthout.org/docs_05/011505F.shtml

Even a city that outlasted the Sumerians, the Babylonians, the Assyrians, the Persians, the Greeks, the Romans, the Arabs and the Turks means nothing to our Christian Soldiers:
Destroying Babylon
By Dahr Jamail
Dahr Jamail's Iraqi Dispatches
http://www.truthout.org/docs_05/011805C.shtml

As the Europeans learned in the Middle Ages, there is no end to the Crusades; the Christians, the Jews and the Muslims will sink deeper into the mire as they struggle:
Now U.S. Ponders Attack on Iran
By Julian Borger and Ian Traynor
The Guardian
Hardliners in Pentagon ready to neutralize 'nuclear threat' posed by Tehran.
http://www.truthout.org/docs_05/011905C.shtml
Report: U.S. Conducting Secret Missions inside Iran
Reuters
WASHINGTON - The United States has been conducting secret reconnaissance missions inside Iran to help identify potential nuclear, chemical and missile targets, The New Yorker magazine reported Sunday.
http://www.truthout.org/docs_05/011705X.shtml

And their hatred of homosexuals even surpasses their desire for victory in war:
Military Has Discharged 26 Gay Arabic Linguists
By Kim Curtis
The Associated Press
http://www.truthout.org/docs_05/011505L.shtml

It makes you want to do something self-indulgent and stupid, like spooning with a bunch of strangers (thanks, Geri):
http://www.cuddleparty.com/

Or how about sending your friends some crack (thanks again, Lawrence)?
http://www.virtualcrack.com/

Finally, I turn the last word over to Madame Szeemann, who has this message for you on Inauguration Day:
The Republican National Committee announced today that the Republican Party is changing its emblem from an elephant to a condom. The committee chairman explained that the condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today, because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed.

Please keep this going. We need a change in America.

Vive le screed!