PSST Here Are the Answers to the IQ Test
Greetings, friends,
First of all, what's up with Rory Gilmore turning 21? I must really have missed something, because I didn't even know she'd lost her VIRGINITY! (Maybe she hasn't.)
Anyway, most of you don't know what the hell I'm talking about. She's a television character and I missed her formative College Years. Didn't she go to Harvard? Maybe that's why...I prefer NYU girls (and isn't that where "Felicity" went?) Anyway, I have too many real people to look after, I mean, she's at the drinking age now. Her television career should really take off.
On the theme of questions which some people lack the IQ to answer, I've enclosed some photos of interesting situations which some people have approached with unsound reasoning (thanks, Mike.)
Not to lump him in with this former group, but I've also enclosed a photo of my daredevil friend Günther, who appears to have found a unique solution to the problem: How do you ski in summer without a boat? Answer: On the beach, towed by a car. If anyone can tell me the name of this sport I'll buy them a cherry phosphate at Canter's Deli.
I had an interesting solution to a problem recently, where I successfully diagnosed a mysterious fuel consumption problem with my otherwise trusty seventh car, the '93 VW Jetta known as "Lucky Seven". Thanks to some simple tests, I isolated the problem to oil contamination on the Mass Air Flow valve, which measures the air temperature of the intake manifold and adjusts the idle. This is straight outta the manual, folks. Robert, Bruno and Nico will be glad to learn this was the simple reason for the evil ENGINE light coming on and forcing me to the side of the road on two occasions. Anyway, I hosed down the valve with WD-40 and now the damn car runs fine (except for the old struts and the hundreds of assholes driving around LA at any given moment, who you never see again.)
I posted this problem on an Internet Jetta board and got this interesting response, which was not correct but I put out for your perusal:
> *BEASTLY-VW*'s Message:
> [i][b][b][/b][i][/i]THIS MAY SOUND LIKE A CONSPIRACY
> THEORY , BUT EVER SINCE THE [u]GAS PRICES[/u]
> [u]SHOT UP[/u] I FEEL THE QUALITY OF GAS HAS [u]SHOT
> DOWN[/u]!! MY [u]EMISSIONS[/u] ARE TERRIBLE MY [u]O2
> SENSORS[/u] ARE SICK, MY [u]KNOCK SENSOR[/u] IS
> CRAZY, I'VE GOT ERRATIC [u]IDLING[/u] AND I HAVE
> BEEN OVER THIS CAR WITH A FINE TOOTH COMBAND IT
> NEVER HAPPENED PRIOR TO KATRINA !!. I STAY UNDER THE
> HOOD TO WATCH FOR PROBLEMS. I DON'T HAVE MPG LOSS
> YET, BUT THERE HAS BEEN A DIFFERENCE. THERES NO
> VACUUM LEAKS OR THE LIKE BECAUSE I WATCH!
> [u]DAILY[/u] !! I HAVE NOTICIED A CHANGE SINCE I
> CHANGED STATIONS AND GRADE BUT ITS JUST A THOUGHT
> !!!!
> [/b][/i]
> [b][i]P.S.*** DIESEL OWNERS, STATION OWNERS DO HEAT
> DIESEL FUEL TO MAKE IT EXPAND, THEN WHEN IT COOLS
> DOWN IN YOUR TANK, IT CAN BE A HUGE LOSS TO YOUR
> WALLET! BY ALMOST A 20%![/i][/b]
I can report that the effect was not gas-station-related in my case, because I always like to try out new gas stations in the search for weird people who work in gas stations. However, before we mosey along, I'd like to pay tribute to WD-40, that amazing solvent which you can spray on live electrical connections without an explosion, and which does wonders on greasy motors. I even wrote a poem called "WD-40" eight years ago. I don't remember the circumstances under which I was so inspired, but I'll say this much: my sixth car, the '91 Jetta known as "La Bala de Plata" (1995-2004) was my most reliable vehicle, and did not even require regular applications of WD-40; no, this ode is probably looking back to the days of my favorite car, the balky '77 Audi Fox known as "El Azote de las Carreteras" (1990-1994), which took me far and away, but also needed a lot of love, money and WD-40.
Of course the poem is also about something else having nothing to do with WD-40 at all.
WD-40
Here's a poem for the men in the audience.
The first time you use WD-40
is better than the first time you have sex. I promise.
You don't know what it is,
but it will always be your loyal friend.
27 June 1997
On that manly note, I've been saving up these for a while:
Schwarzenegger Vetoes Gay Marriage Bill
The Associated Press
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/093005P.shtml
On Gay Rights, He's All Talk and No Action
By Robert Scheer
The Los Angeles Times
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/100405N.shtml
Schwarzenegger May Face Other Side of Recall Challenge
By Dean E. Murphy
The New York Times
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/101705O.shtml
Is this all cause and effect? I certainly hope so. I don't understand why parts of West Hollywood don't get burned down every night by gangs of angry victims of homophobia. I'd certainly be glad to rampage across Los Angeles with my married straight friends if marriage was suddenly outlawed. Of course, at this point I might join a rampage of just about any stripe. It's a good thing it's already started raining here in So Cal, because the heat index was building up too fast this summer.
This has been a hot year, and it looks like the next three years are going to be plenty busy...for the lawyers and the politicians, not the Christians:
The Faith-Based President Defrocked
By Frank Rich
The New York Times
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/100905F.shtml
Aw, the poor fundamentalist Christians got faked out by George W. Bush, who gave his life over to Jesus in the coffee shop of that Holiday Inn in Midland, Texas (or was it a Ramada?) They though the white lights of the Rapture were blazing down, just like they did in the depths of the 1980s, but instead the Christians discover George is really a numb-nut failed businessman who goes so far as to nominate one of his own robotic lawyers, a woman whose public service includes a grand total of one term on the Dallas City Council, to be a lifetime Justice of the Supreme Court:
Quag-Miers
By Michael Scherer
Salon.com
As conservative opposition to his Supreme Court nominee stiffens, Bush faces the prospect of a humiliating defeat.
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/101205M.shtml
To say nothing of the revealing of Valerie Plame's identity as a CIA agent, a stupid little bit of personal payback, which like a silly break-in for Richard Nixon or a blow-job for Bill Clinton, is going to tie his White House into knots for the rest of his term, may he burn the whole time:
Bush Whacked Rove on CIA leak
By Thomas M. DeFrank
Daily News
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/101905A.shtml
Democrats Question Bush-Rove Meeting on CIA Leak
Reuters
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/102005Z.shtml
Plamegate: The Civil War
By Michael Scherer
Salon.com
Valerie Plame and Joseph Wilson are considering a civil suit against administration officials. If they do, they'd better be ready for a vicious attack by White House proxies.
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/101805R.shtml
Chickens Come Home to Roost on Cheney
By Ray McGovern
t r u t h o u t Perspective
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/102005Y.shtml
Not to mention the problems that his scummy bug exterminator pal from Texas is having:
Texas Court Issues Warrant for DeLay
By Suzanne Gamboa
The Associated Press
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/101905X.shtml
Guess which Republican is going to get out ahead to cream his reputation for the next three years? How about the suntanned "war hero" he creamed back in 2000:
John McCain v. Bush
By Nat Hentoff
The Village Voice
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/101605A.shtml
Yep, I am pleased to see the Christians hit their high water mark and begin to drag the money-grubbing paws of their fake Jesus robot back into the shadows of UHF television:
Once Powerful Christian Coalition Teeters on Insolvency
By Bill Sizemore
The Virginian-Pilot
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/101105P.shtml
The Christians who want to preach to the future of America are clutching at straws, like they did back in the 1980s, clutching at anything that go against their vision of the world:
Feminists in the Nursery
By Ruth Conniff
The Progressive
Not since James Dobson fingered Sponge Bob Squarepants for promoting the "homosexual agenda" to preschoolers has there been such a sneak attack of liberal depravity in the nursery. Recently the Reverend Donald Wildmon called for a boycott of American Girl dolls, telling conservatives who buy the historical dolls (widely admired as an educational and wholesome alternative to Barbie) that they are inadvertently supporting abortion and lesbianism.
http://www.truthout.org/issues_05/102005WA.shtml
Meanwhile, the poor suckers who work for the Fed have to explain why this failed businessman can't run the largest world conglomerate...except into the ground:
Administration's Tone Signals a Longer, Broader Iraq Conflict
By David E. Sanger
The New York Times
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/101705J.shtml
Rice Won't Rule Out Force on Syria, Iran
The Associated Press
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/101905R.shtml
GI's and Syrians in Tense Clashes on Iraqi Border
By James Risen and David E. Sanger
The New York Times
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/101505Z.shtml
Yeah, that's brilliant. Let's start a war with Syria; we could take 'em as easily as Iraq. Maybe we should get our ally Spain in the bargain, since they're coming after us:
Spanish Judge Issues Warrant for Three GIs
The Associated Press
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/101905S.shtml
This regards three stupid kids in the Army who, either under orders or for the hell of it, blasted a shell into a Baghdad hotel and killed a Spanish journalist and a Ukrainian cameraman. I don't know if I agree with the Spanish on this one. I arrived in Madrid in 2003 right after this senseless killing, and I doubt these kids were just shooting at a hotel for fun. It's the hand behind the curtain, you know, that is responsible. The real war criminals are the ones on vacation, the ones responsible to no one:
George W. Bush's suicidal statecraft
Tribune Media Services International
http://www.iht.com/articles/2005/10/13/opinion/edzbig.php
In the course of his diabolical slog through American history, this fool has fired or forced out more career bureaucrats than anyone in decades; this is an shocking list of how many talented people have left the Federal Government in the last five years:
The Fallen Legion: Casualties of the Bush Administration
By Nick Turse
TomDispatch.com
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/101405P.shtml
And of course he's making life miserable for all the regular employees of the Federal Government:
Political Screening for All Park Service Managers
Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility Press Release
http://www.truthout.org/issues_05/101705LA.shtml
Park Service to Solicit Funds from Visitors and Corporations
Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility
http://www.truthout.org/issues_05/101805EC.shtml
If it bugs you, you can watch George commence his lofty fall into the deep, dark place he belongs at this weird bubbly website (thanks, Dr. Brad and Ellen):
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
And you can take heart that all war criminals, no matter what country they come from, eventually get recognized for their efforts:
The 2005 International Commission of Inquiry on Crimes Against Humanity Committed by the Bush Administration of the United States
The Bush Crimes Commission
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/101405E.shtml
Speaking of war crimes, I think that UNICEF may have gone off the deep end with this campaign featuring the SMURFS (thanks, Geri and Miles):
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2005/10/08/
wsmurf08.xml&sSheet=/news/2005/10/08/ixhome.html
WAR CRIMES? In the wonderful USA? How could I say such a thing?
Thousands of Children Sentenced to Life without Parole
Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/101205R.shtml
Is This the Death of America?
By Dermot Purgavie
The Mirror UK
America's sense of itself - its pride in its power - has been profoundly damaged.
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/101005P.shtml
I mean really, folks, this nimrod has got us lined up for conflict with CANADA, for chrissakes.
'Caribou People' Wage Last Stand in the Arctic
By Paul Salopek
Knight Ridder/Tribune News
http://www.truthout.org/issues_05/100705EB.shtml
Conflict over Softwood Lumber: Ottawa Threatens to Deprive Americans of Oil
By Alec Castonguay
Le Devoir
http://www.truthout.org/issues_05/101805EA.shtml
He's even got his fellow oil fat-cats nervous, he's such a bumbler:
Shell Oil President Says: No New Refineries Needed!
By Chris Kulczycki
Daily Kos
http://www.truthout.org/issues_05/101105EC.shtml
But I have a feeling that we've just got to hang on until 2008, bailing out this sinking country, until people open their eyes and see that the future is very much at the edge of our control:
Heeding the Law of the Land
By Kenny Ausubel
AlterNet.org
http://www.truthout.org/issues_05/101705EA.shtml
The Heat Death of American Dreams
By Ed Merta
AlterNet.org
http://www.truthout.org/issues_05/101205EB.shtml
And it's not a problem for our kids or our grandkids any more; nope, we get to participate fully in the mayhem of global warming. India and China, the two real giants on this planet, are going to see we are pushed to brink even faster than we expected. There is, in fact, no way either country could reach our level of consumption BY ITSELF and still leave enough for the rest of the planet:
China Crisis: Threat to the Global Environment
By Michael McCarthy
The Independent UK
http://www.truthout.org/issues_05/101905EB.shtml
Good news for those with access to wind and solar power...remember how they said it would really take off when it was nearly the same price as oil and gas power? Guess what: we're there.
Windfall? No, but Savings Ahead
By Nicholas Riccardi
The Los Angeles Times
http://www.truthout.org/issues_05/101705EB.shtml
Yeah, even some of George's best friends are trying to patch up his mistakes:
The United States Rediscovers Europe
By Pascal Riché
Libération
Bush's Neo-Conservative intimates attempt to create a transatlantic network.
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/100305H.shtml
Regardless of jokes, no country, not the smallest, can live in isolation on this crowded planet:
Relations Break Down Between U.S. And Them
Bush Seeks U.N. Support For 'U.S. Does Whatever It Wants' Plan
Great moments we only dreamed about in the 1980s are slipping by like old friends we almost missed:
Key Signatories Urged to Ratify Nuclear Test Ban Treaty
Agence France-Presse
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/092405E.shtml
I'm glad to see my European friends asserting their place in the world:
EU and U.S. clash over control of Net
International Herald Tribune
EU negotiators proposed stripping the US of its control of the Internet.
http://www.iht.com/articles/2005/09/29/business/net.php
I especially like the similarities that we all share in embarrassing ourselves:
France Orders Positive Spin on Colonialism
The Associated Press
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/102105C.shtml
From any source:
Spaghetti-Os Discontinued As Franco-American Relations Break Down
No matter how sublime or ridiculous:
France and Venezuela Affirm "Common Vision," Deeper Ties
Agence France-Presse
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/102005O.shtml
Or deadly serious:
Chavez: Venezuela Moves Reserves to Europe
The Associated Press
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/100505N.shtml
And on that last note, I leave you with an interesting game to play with; a Java applet that allows you to see how popular certain baby names were over different decades. Neat-O!
The Baby Name Wizard: NameVoyager
http://babynamewizard.com/namevoyager/
NameVoyager "is an interactive portrait of America's name choices. Start with a 'sea' of nearly 5000 names. Type a letter, and you'll zoom in to focus on how that initial has been used over the past century. Then type a few more letters, or a name. Each stripe is a timeline of one name, its width reflecting the name's changing popularity. If a name intrigues you, click on its stripe for a closer look."
Go here for the full LII description of this website:
http://lii.org/cs/lii/view/item/4197
Vive le screed!
No comments :
Post a Comment