Greetings, many friends,
After all this time off the airwaves, you might think that I've been champing at the bit, what with Valentine's Day and Dick Cheney plugging his friend and all that hogwash. Frankly, it's all old news to me, and instead I've been maintaining a lonely but nightly vigil in front of the television, religiously monitoring the Winter Olympics in Torino:
As a consequence I've given up watching the news, so as not to spoil my evening's pleasure. The fact that NBC has butchered the coverage, tilted as usual towards the American athletes, limited to four hours a day and delayed by over eight hours, barely makes it worthwhile, although everyone is having a good time and yeah, those speed-skaters look good. My European friends may be getting 24 hour live coverage, but they don't get to hear the wonderful assholes delivering their commentary about each event ("If I were her I'd go for it!"), which in the case of aging figure skater Dick Button is absolutely sadistic. They're also missing the interviews with the American athletes, a roundly cute lot who all sound like they did nothing in high school but sports and bongloads. Yikes.
I am puzzled by a few things...when did men's figure skating officially become a "gay sport"? My mother will know the answer to this one. Anyway, I especially want to congratulate the "old" people in the Olympics, like 34-year-old Russian mommy Svetlana Zhurova:
And 32-year-old Austrian Michaela Dorfmeister:
About that Dick Cheney bullshit, hey, people make mistakes, don't they? Still, that mummified war criminal had it coming. The euphemism "peppered" really doesn't do justice to getting what, according the doctors, the old man delivered, about 200 birdshot in the face and chest. You notice they ain't showing him in the hospital? Dick says he was about "30 yards" from the guy, but you don't take that much shot from that far...I'd say more like 30 feet. Trigger happy...well, Sergei offers the enclosed cartoon to remind you that, yeah, 51% of the country voted for these morons.
I almost missed Saint Valentine's Day completely this year, until a friend (who shall remain nameless but can be easily guessed) left a message on my cell-phone hoping that I was not answering because of some "hot sex". It was about 11 AM and I was actually at work, but what-ever. Everyone has their little fantasy about Valentine's Day, which if I gave it a moment's thought would only be cause for depression...the holiday hasn't existed for me since elementary school. Boo hoo.
I did witness Jimmy Kimmel have his girlfriend, Sarah Silverman, on his show for Valentine's, and that was very cute. They quickly dispelled the idea that people who are actually IN LOVE should give two shits about 14 February. I've given my little raves to Sarah Silverman before, but I should mention in passing that Jimmy Kimmel has grown on me, especially as David Letterman gets meaner and Conan O'Brien gets more spastic. Jimmy Kimmel and I also share a fascination for the Canadian Apocalypse minister, Jack Van Impe:
And how about this for devotion:
Couple's implant chips take love to a new levelhttp://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/
They don't rank up in my "dumb move" for the week, however:
Woman Allegedly Tries to Buy Pot From Cops
By now I bet my poor exes are shaking their heads, not at all surprised that I've gone through one pointless torture after another since...hell, since about 1990. It's my tribute to Saint Valentine that my "Miss Right" probably took the last train to Palookaville when I moved back to Los Angeles in 1987.
Here's how the Romans did Valentine's Day, with beatings and beheadings:
On a tangent, we all have our other patron saints, of course. In my case, why worry over Saint Valentine when there's my namesake, Joel, who wrote one of the most violent and fun books of the Old Testament (13 July):
Then there's my birthday saint, King Wenceslaus, the patron saint of Prague (killed in a sword-fight; 28 September):
And perhaps I've earned the right to celebrate as my own the patron saint of writers, Francis de Sales (24 January):
Or the patron saint of librarians, Jerome (30 September):
...although we librarians used to seek solace from the now-demoted Catherine of Alexandria (beheaded, if she even existed):
I looked around to see if there was a patron saint for "people bamboozled by artists" or "people lied to by their friends", but couldn't find one. So I can't light a candle to protect me from that, which is a candle I really need to burn these days.
Anyhow, while I'm off on a rager, it wouldn't be a SCREED unless I reach outside of myself and "pop the zit" of my worldly angst. Now that I'm stuck in Los Angeles for the forseeable future, all packed up for a slow boat to Nowheresville, it has a special tingle...and Mr. Bush is handing me an emetic. Or maybe a more sensitive part of the body...
Like Woody Allen once said, "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
On the same subject, Dick Cheney just shot one of his friends, but George Bush would like to fuck all of us:
Ex-President Carter: Eavesdropping Illegal
The Associated Press
Lawyers Group Slams Bush on Eavesdropping
By Michael Conlon
Even his squirrelly friends are fed up with this joke of "I am the LAW":
Republican Who Oversees NSA Calls for Wiretap Inquiry
By Eric Lichtblau
The New York Times
Bush Faces Republican Revolt over Spying
By Edward Alden and Holly Yeager
The Financial Times
Specter Says Surveillance Program Violated the Law
By Brian Knowlton
International Herald Tribune
That's just chicken feed, literally, compared to what you're eating along with that candy:
GM Food Must Be Allowed into Europe, WTO Rules
By Stephen Castle
The Independent UK
Genetically Modified Foods: New Study Shows Unborn Babies Could Be Harmed
By Geoffrey Lean
The Independent UK
GM Crops Are Not the Answer to Pest Control
By G.V. Ramanjaneyulu
More proof that this Valentine's Day, whatever I think, will be HOTTER than EVER:
Current Warming Period Is Longest in 1,200 Years, Study Says
By Sara Goudarzi
Global Warming: Passing the 'Tipping Point'
By Michael McCarthy
The Independent UK
And while the United States just talks about it...
The Permanent Energy Crisis
By Michael T. Klare
You can access it at the following url:
And finally, the End of the World by the numbers (thanks, Tanya):
A really good re-cap of where the planet stands at the end of 2005..........
Rank of 2005 as hottest year on record (tied with 1998), according to NASA.
Increase in intensity and duration of hurricanes and tropical storms since the 1970's, according to a 2005 MIT study.
Estimate of damage caused by hurricanes hitting the U.S. coast in 2005 alone, according to the National Climatic Data Center.
Year by which Glacier National Park will have no glaciers left, according to the U.S. Geological Survey predictions.
Square miles of Arctic sea ice that have melted in the last 30 years (roughly the size of Texas), threatening polar bear habitats and further accelerating global warming worldwide, according to the Arctic Climate Impact Assessment.
Amount of plant and animal species that global warming could wipe out by 2050.
Rank of the United States as global warming polluter compared to other large nations.
Number of former U.S. Environmental Protection Agency leaders who say the U.S. is not doing enough to fight global warming.
Number of bills passed by Congress to cut global warming pollution.
Number of times President Bush has mentioned the words "global warming," or "climate change" in previous State of the Union addresses.
Vive le screed!